Falling Apart

I don't know how much longer I can do this.........I am falling apart inside.......Over the summer when I was in Africa I was happier than I had ever been in my entire life.....and now I am going down hill and honestly it is scaring me.....I am falling deeper and deeper and deeper into my depression...and I don't know what to do anymore.........I'm getting worse and worse and not getting any better....my heart hurts so badly it literally aches.....I don't know what to do......I want to be saved....I want to be pulled out of this very dark and scary and unfortunately very real place that I am stuck........this is not only effecting my mind but it's beginning to effect my life...........I am an A+ student but right now I am incredibly distracted.....my grades are slipping....my world is slipping away.....it's like I don't even care anymore............I just want to escape from this dark place.....I feel like I'm constantly choaking and I just want to escape....I'm tired of feeling sick and tired and overwhelmed by all the crap this world is giving me.......I'm so tired of not trusting people and never having anything good work out in my life.....I feel so desperate and thirsty and tired.....my body literally hurts these days.....I just want to be saved.....I want help......but I don't think anyone can help me now.....I'm pretty sure that I am now past that point......I'm beginning to believe I'm destined to be like this forever and that's a reality I don't want to accept.....I'm begging you someone.....PLEASE HELP ME! I don't know what to do......all I know is I am falling deeper and deeper and I feel like pretty soon I'm not going to be able to make it out of this......
The Painting Warrior

Trust Again

I seriously don't understand how people can be so hurtful and not even give it a second though! How can you cuss someone out and call them all sorts of terrible names when you don't even know them........some people just want to take out their anger or something I guess but I really hurts when you are the recipient....today I was in a car accident....thankfully God protected me and all those involved....but my car is kind of wrecked.....I slid on some black ice and couldn't stop the car and hit the back of an SUV........the people inside of that car treated me worse than I have ever been treated in my entire life...they called me names that I don't believe anyone should ever be called and they physically abused me by shoving me back into my car and trying to punch the glass out of my window  and threatening to kill me.........I have never been treated like that in my entire life and it scared me really badly......I actually thought that they were going to hit me and it wasn't even my fault...I mean yes I did hit their car but I tried to stop and their car was totally fine it was mine that was broken.........It scared me.....almost more than anything in my life....I had a panic attack and couldn't stop crying....the funny thing is I don't want to talk to anyone about what happened because it makes me feel stupid and worthless even though I know it's not really my fault....I guess I really don't want people to look at me differently because of this....I don't know I'm probably just being stupid......I tried to go to sleep tonight and I just kept having nightmares of being threatened...I couldn't do it I would rather be tired and awake then sleeping and experiencing that again and again....now I have so many worries because I don't have a car to drive until it gets fixed if it even can be fixed....I just feel so dumb and I don't want to talk to anyone about what happened but I need to get it out because it's so bottled up inside of me....I want to talk to someone who I know won't judge me! I'M SO SCARED! Literally I'm scared that someone is going to come after me and try to kill me.....I'm afraid that that guy is going to try to hurt me or that lady is going to get two inches from my face again ans scream profanities.......I'm so scared that I'm going to crash...honestly I'm even scared to drive again........I'm afraid that someone is going to come after me and get me....they were screaming that they were going to kill me in the middle of the street...........I have never been treated like that before......I'm very sensitive.....I have had people cuss at me and yell at me before but never be that physical with me and tell me that I should die and that they want to kill me......It scared me...and honestly I'm still really scared.......I don't know what to do and I don't like feeling this way....why am I soo closed off to people all the time? why do I have so many walls that I can't tell people how I feel...honestly half the time I just don't want people to see me cry because I have a lot of tears that need to come out and tend to come out when I talk about how I feel....I'm so afraid that people are going to hurt me I feel like I always have to have my guard up and that I can never really be real with anyone....maybe one day I will be able to trust people again.....
The Painting Warrior

Jump for Joy

I have really missed blogging A LOT! It had been such a long time since I blogged last and now I am blogging kind of a lot but I guess that I just have a lot to say which I haven't really been able to get out.....I'm so stressed with school right now! This semester is going to be brutal I can just tell! I am just finishing up my third week of school so that means only 13 weeks left of this semester!! WHOOHOO! I'm getting done slowly but this semester started out very difficultly and now it's just getting even harder....I'm struggling to stay up on my homework with so many projects due so frequently....it's hard to stay on top of everything but I am trying my very best....you know why I think I love my blog so much?....because I have a REALLY hard time trusting people.......I have serious trust issues because of things that have happened to me in my past...for some reason it is soo hard for me to tell people how I am feeling because I feel like everyone is going to stab me in the back at one point or another....the really sad part of it is that I really want to tell people how I am feeling and talk to people about my emotions and let them see the REAL me......but it's so hard for me to do that feeling like everyone is going to judge me or hurt me or betray me somehow....I hate living like this and I hope that one day maybe I won't need this blog so badly to pour out my emotions...maybe someday I will trust someone enough to tell them everything about me.....and to trust them with everything...but right now it's to hard so I will just blog away to my hearts content...maybe it's just easier talking on here because no one knows who I am .....maybe that's why I am able to be so open and honest all of the time...it's kind of sad that I pour my heart out to a blog all of the time when probably no one reads this anyways but it's what I have to do...........so I got some REALLY exciting news the other day......the guy I'm in love with is not going away for like 2 and 1/2 years......I literally want to jump for joy....the fact that he is not going away makes me soo happy! Seriously no one understands...sometimes I wish that I didn't love him this much...honestly sometimes I wonder why or how this even happened....I don't know why or how I fell for him...it just happened....he didn't do anything to make me like him I just fell on my own...as I kind of got to know him I just liked him more and more........I love everything I know of him.........I wish so badly that I knew how he felt towards me....but honestly I know right now the timing is not right.....I know that he and I are not supposed to be together right now so I am just satisfied being friends! I hope that maybe one day he will be able to see me as  more than that....because I really am in love with him...probably to much for my own good..........It's so late right now and I'm not even tired I don't know why that is...all I know right now is that I am pretty happy for me which is a really amazing thing! I can't wait to see what tomorrow holds.
The Painting Warrior

Long Post!

OK wow.....I cannot believe that the last time I actually blogged anything was in June! Do you have any idea how long ago June was? A whole lot has happened to me since June....I hardly even know where to begin.....it's crazy how much older we get as time goes by.....my life has been absolutely insane and I have grown and changed so very much since June....Obviously graduating highschool was a HUGE transition for me...I felt like a totally different person after graduation.......I felt more free and more happy...I felt like my life was really going somewhere....the summer seemed very short partially because I worked all summer long and then I actually got to go to Kenya Africa for about a month at the end of the summer which was seriously one of the most incredible experiences in my entire life....I honestly don't think I have ever been so happy in my entire life...I have never felt more fulfilled or more connected to God ever........I literally was the happiest I have ever been I can never remember being so happy and feeling so fulfilled in my life..........I loved every moment of it......it was absolutely the best experience in my entire life....I would do practically anything to go back there....I loved everything about Kenya....People laughed at me because they always asked me how I could possibly be SO happy when I was in the middle of a poverty stricken country.....they asked how I was able to love everyone......But it was the poor men, the little old ladies who could barely walk, the malnurished children, the hungry babies, and everyone in between who I loved the most......they were willing to do absolutely anything for you just for a smile or to touch your hair.....they have SO much love inside of them which one one really can understand....they have been through so much hurt and have nothing to call there own and yet they are some of the most loving forgiving people so desperate for God that I have ever encountered....It literally brings tears to my eyes when I think about them I miss Kenya with all of my heart! I would do almost anything to have the opportunity to go back....I loved the people and the culture and the food and the music and the dances I loved the passion these people had...I didn't mind the bathrooms without doors or toilet seats, I didn't mind hugging little old ladies with Aids, I didn't mind letting the little girls braid and play with my hair, I didn't mind sitting in a garbage dump with the children so desperate to talk with me, I didn't mind the language barrier, or not having a cell phone, I didn't miss the modern convienences of America I was happy and I was satisfied.....I was happier there with almost nothing then I am here at home with absolutely everything...I love the people and the country and I miss it with all of my heart...one day I am going to go back to Kenya and I am going to see those amazing people once again.......my heart absolutely breaks that I can't be there right now.....I want to go back.......I lost a lot of friends this year as well.....my "so called best friend" decided that she hated me and didn't want anything to do with me anymore so she walked out of my life and has never talked to me since........my other "best friend" left for college and her boy friend takes up all her time now and she never gives me another thought.....Two of my really close friends slept together and are now expecting a baby so they don't have time to care either......Another one of my friends just never has time juggling two jobs......and yet another friend decided she hated me because she didn't like that I was friends with her boyfriend and she feels threatened when there is nothing going on and I have known him since I was 4 years old....I got very close to two friends this year though...and I am so thankful that I have both of them because I would be so lost if they weren't in my life.....they are my best friends! They are actually more similar then they realize....they are both beautiful and sweet and caring and funny in there own different ways.....from the outside if you looked at the three of us  you would say I'm crazy for saying that we are the same.....but we all have had similar issues and we all love eachother like crazy......we have hurt eachother but we care enough to work past our problems and it has only made us stronger and brought us closer together....I would be devastated to live life without them because they are part of me now.....other news I suppose is I got my first car at the end of the summer so that's a BEAUTIFUL thing......also I am now in college which is fantastic! I love school...hate homework but love school! lol..........another thing which happened was one of my friends who passed away his dad died recently.......which was terribly difficult....it just resurfaced all of those old emotions and all the hurt of when my friend passed away two years ago.........it was sooo difficult and it's still difficult to this day....honestly I have never gotten over anyone who has died in my life....my grandpa died about 5 or 6 years ago and I still haven't recovered from that......I am still struggling right now to get over it but I really can't.....another thing that happened in my life......is I fell in love.....love is unfortunately a really sucky thing...the guy I fell in love with is absolutely perfect in every respect of the word......honestly he is not only physically attractive but he has a very sweet heart and is a strong Christian......I relate to him on so many levels and I care for him so much....the horrible part of it is that he has no idea whatsoever....we barely are able to talk or see eachother and everytime I see him I like him more and more but he has no idea and I honestly don't think he feels the same way which is killing me because I love him so much......I want to badly to tell him how I feel but I'm scared and I know that would not be a good idea with him.....the best idea is to take it slowly and if and when he is ready he will come forward to me....but until then I just have to sit here and wait....and to make matters worse he might be leaving for two and a half years to go to another country! It's absolutely breaking my heart because I love him so much and I don't want him to go...he doesn't believe that girls really like him and believes that he doesn't really have anything here....but only if he knew a fraction of how I am feeling....he doesn't even understand how broken hearted I am....and he never will know until the day I die because unless he comes to me and talks to me I will never tell him how I feel and how much I love him....I have never felt this way before....he seriously makes me feel like I am worth it and that I am beautiful and he makes me feel like I actually matter....that I have a purpose. He makes me laugh and I love to laugh.......he makes me feel special and he doesn't even do anything to make me feel that way....it's just him...there is just something about him that is really special....I have thought he was attractive for 3 years now and have liked him for about a year and a half......he is a very special person and he doesn't really know it.....I would tell him myself but I'm not brave enough to say that.........if he leaves I don't know what I'm going to do...probably have an emotional break down.....haha right now I am really struggling....to be honest my depression has been back on high gear but I'm trying my best to fight it and be happy....I want to be happy and I try my very best to be strong but some days it's just really difficult......I'm going to be ok though...I just know it.....everything I have endured has been for a reason and I'm going to survive this.......I'm going to be ok........Well this is a VERY long post but that's because I haven't posted anything in a very long time...I will try to do a little better at that though from now on.....I hope you all are doing well! Don't forget you are worth it!
The Painting Warrior

Wow it's June!

Hey Everyone!
Wow I cannot believe that we are already entering the middle of June! Isn't that crazy?! I cannot believe that it hasn't been since April when I posted last! Sorry I haven't been around much it's been kind of a REALLY busy summer so far. But I am enjoying it! :) I have had a REALLY good day today actually! :) I have gotten so much done today! I was able to clean some and do some stuff for school and was even able to run errands and spend some time outside!:) It's been a pretty fantastic day actually! I'm sort of tired but you know it feels really good to be so productive and to get things done that I really need to get done :) It makes you feel good inside that you are accomplishing something in your day and not just sitting around on your butt doing nothing. Right now I was just taking a break and listening to some Jesus Culture for a few minutes before I go work outside for a little while...I'm currently listening to Break Every Chain! It's such an amazing and powerful song! :) There is power in the name of Jesus, there is power in the name of Jesus, there is power in the name of Jesus, to break every chain to break every chain to break every chain! It's such an anointed song I could listen to it over and over again! I have been enjoying this warm weather we have been having! It's really nice right now! I have been spending allot of time outside today! I was going to watch a movie this afternoon but I ended up stopping it about 40 minutes in because I just really needed to get outside for a little while...You know what....we have a truly AMAZING God! It's so funny because often times I get into such a bad mood and am in such an emotionally bad place and then I never realize that I haven't been reading my Bible or spending any time in the presence of the Lord. But then once I do it seems to put everything back into prospective! The troubles of the world no longer seem as huge and as terrible and your own circumstances even seem to brighten! I challenge each and every one of you to get off the couch! Go spend some time in prayer and reading the Word! He is reaching out to you! All you need to do is grab His hand!
The Painting Warrior 

Blogs!

Hey Everyone!
Wow it's so amazing! lol I actually have time to work on my other blogs now that I am done with so many pressures. Thankfully I have just recently had allot of stress taken off me and as we get even closer to summer I should have even more free time to work on my blogs which will be fantastic. I hope that you have all had a good day! : ) I have had a great day! I am very tired because my day was sooo long but it was good : ) I am kind of ready to go to sleep right now but I know if I go to sleep now I will wake up early which will not be good! haha It was raining all day today which was kind of amazing! : ) I love the rain so much! So today I just watched a movie called the Iron Lady. It was a pretty good movie but it wasn't exactly the happiest movie ever! haha that's how I felt when I watched War Horse! My friend was saying that War Horse was happier then the Iron Lady...Honestly I don't really know what my opinion is on that..War Horse was a really good movie but also a really sad movie...at the one point where the horse Joey is about to go through the barb wire fence I almost screamed in the theater! lol yeah..it was pretty intense but it's a super good movie...So currently I am listening to Superchick Stand in the Rain... I have probably all ready listened to it twenty times this evening but I am tired and the song was stuck in my head...I found that if I have a song stuck in my head the more times I listen to it the less stuck it becomes! I have no idea why but for some reason it seems to work for me....This day has been so long! I have been up since six this morning! Ugh...it was soo early but I had allot I had to get done today and I had to wake up early so that I could get everything accomplished...I hope that you have all had a good week : ) I sure did! I will talk to you all soon!
The Painting Warrior 

Easter!

Hey Everyone!
Ohmygoodness! It has been soo long since I last posted I am soo sorry! Wow I actually feel kind of terrible..I have been so incredibly busy lately I honestly haven't even given my blogs a second thought...but now that I have had a few things taken off of my plate I have a bit more time on my hands which I am happy to dedicate to my blogs which I love so much : ) Anyways today was Easter! Can you believe it!? I cannot believe that it's April already! I mean seriously I just posted last in January and it seriously feels like that was only a couple of months ago...whoops...I guess time flies when you are busy. But anyways I cannot believe that it's Easter already...Easter has already come and gone and we are moving right along with April already...it's kind of crazy  how quickly time is going by...why we are on the subject of Easter here are my top favorite things about Easter! : )

1) The Easter Story of Jesus's Resurrection
2) Going to church Easter Morning
3) Wearing an Easter Dress to church
4) Hanging out with Family and Friends
5) Doing an Easter Egg Hunt
6) Seeing what gifts the Easter Bunny brought
7) Eating the Easter Candy
8) Eating Easter dinner
9) Having Spring break the week after Easter
10) Being able to relax

I hope that you all had an amazing Easter and I will talk to you all soon!
Live, Love, Laugh The Painting Warrior