Long Post!

OK wow.....I cannot believe that the last time I actually blogged anything was in June! Do you have any idea how long ago June was? A whole lot has happened to me since June....I hardly even know where to begin.....it's crazy how much older we get as time goes by.....my life has been absolutely insane and I have grown and changed so very much since June....Obviously graduating highschool was a HUGE transition for me...I felt like a totally different person after graduation.......I felt more free and more happy...I felt like my life was really going somewhere....the summer seemed very short partially because I worked all summer long and then I actually got to go to Kenya Africa for about a month at the end of the summer which was seriously one of the most incredible experiences in my entire life....I honestly don't think I have ever been so happy in my entire life...I have never felt more fulfilled or more connected to God ever........I literally was the happiest I have ever been I can never remember being so happy and feeling so fulfilled in my life..........I loved every moment of it......it was absolutely the best experience in my entire life....I would do practically anything to go back there....I loved everything about Kenya....People laughed at me because they always asked me how I could possibly be SO happy when I was in the middle of a poverty stricken country.....they asked how I was able to love everyone......But it was the poor men, the little old ladies who could barely walk, the malnurished children, the hungry babies, and everyone in between who I loved the most......they were willing to do absolutely anything for you just for a smile or to touch your hair.....they have SO much love inside of them which one one really can understand....they have been through so much hurt and have nothing to call there own and yet they are some of the most loving forgiving people so desperate for God that I have ever encountered....It literally brings tears to my eyes when I think about them I miss Kenya with all of my heart! I would do almost anything to have the opportunity to go back....I loved the people and the culture and the food and the music and the dances I loved the passion these people had...I didn't mind the bathrooms without doors or toilet seats, I didn't mind hugging little old ladies with Aids, I didn't mind letting the little girls braid and play with my hair, I didn't mind sitting in a garbage dump with the children so desperate to talk with me, I didn't mind the language barrier, or not having a cell phone, I didn't miss the modern convienences of America I was happy and I was satisfied.....I was happier there with almost nothing then I am here at home with absolutely everything...I love the people and the country and I miss it with all of my heart...one day I am going to go back to Kenya and I am going to see those amazing people once again.......my heart absolutely breaks that I can't be there right now.....I want to go back.......I lost a lot of friends this year as well.....my "so called best friend" decided that she hated me and didn't want anything to do with me anymore so she walked out of my life and has never talked to me since........my other "best friend" left for college and her boy friend takes up all her time now and she never gives me another thought.....Two of my really close friends slept together and are now expecting a baby so they don't have time to care either......Another one of my friends just never has time juggling two jobs......and yet another friend decided she hated me because she didn't like that I was friends with her boyfriend and she feels threatened when there is nothing going on and I have known him since I was 4 years old....I got very close to two friends this year though...and I am so thankful that I have both of them because I would be so lost if they weren't in my life.....they are my best friends! They are actually more similar then they realize....they are both beautiful and sweet and caring and funny in there own different ways.....from the outside if you looked at the three of us  you would say I'm crazy for saying that we are the same.....but we all have had similar issues and we all love eachother like crazy......we have hurt eachother but we care enough to work past our problems and it has only made us stronger and brought us closer together....I would be devastated to live life without them because they are part of me now.....other news I suppose is I got my first car at the end of the summer so that's a BEAUTIFUL thing......also I am now in college which is fantastic! I love school...hate homework but love school! lol..........another thing which happened was one of my friends who passed away his dad died recently.......which was terribly difficult....it just resurfaced all of those old emotions and all the hurt of when my friend passed away two years ago.........it was sooo difficult and it's still difficult to this day....honestly I have never gotten over anyone who has died in my life....my grandpa died about 5 or 6 years ago and I still haven't recovered from that......I am still struggling right now to get over it but I really can't.....another thing that happened in my life......is I fell in love.....love is unfortunately a really sucky thing...the guy I fell in love with is absolutely perfect in every respect of the word......honestly he is not only physically attractive but he has a very sweet heart and is a strong Christian......I relate to him on so many levels and I care for him so much....the horrible part of it is that he has no idea whatsoever....we barely are able to talk or see eachother and everytime I see him I like him more and more but he has no idea and I honestly don't think he feels the same way which is killing me because I love him so much......I want to badly to tell him how I feel but I'm scared and I know that would not be a good idea with him.....the best idea is to take it slowly and if and when he is ready he will come forward to me....but until then I just have to sit here and wait....and to make matters worse he might be leaving for two and a half years to go to another country! It's absolutely breaking my heart because I love him so much and I don't want him to go...he doesn't believe that girls really like him and believes that he doesn't really have anything here....but only if he knew a fraction of how I am feeling....he doesn't even understand how broken hearted I am....and he never will know until the day I die because unless he comes to me and talks to me I will never tell him how I feel and how much I love him....I have never felt this way before....he seriously makes me feel like I am worth it and that I am beautiful and he makes me feel like I actually matter....that I have a purpose. He makes me laugh and I love to laugh.......he makes me feel special and he doesn't even do anything to make me feel that way....it's just him...there is just something about him that is really special....I have thought he was attractive for 3 years now and have liked him for about a year and a half......he is a very special person and he doesn't really know it.....I would tell him myself but I'm not brave enough to say that.........if he leaves I don't know what I'm going to do...probably have an emotional break down.....haha right now I am really struggling....to be honest my depression has been back on high gear but I'm trying my best to fight it and be happy....I want to be happy and I try my very best to be strong but some days it's just really difficult......I'm going to be ok though...I just know it.....everything I have endured has been for a reason and I'm going to survive this.......I'm going to be ok........Well this is a VERY long post but that's because I haven't posted anything in a very long time...I will try to do a little better at that though from now on.....I hope you all are doing well! Don't forget you are worth it!
The Painting Warrior